You know those quiet moments at night where you lay in bed?
You lay there thinking about all the shit you need to do, bills you have to
pay, and things you dream about doing? I never thought I’d lay here thinking of
all those things and actually feel calm. Sure, there are many things I think
of and think oh crap I forgot to do that or how are the hell are we going to do
this?? But I feel so much positivity. For the first time in years I feel sure.
Sure of myself. Sure of us. Sure of success. I don’t feel doubt. I only feel
possibilities and endless room for improvement. I don’t feel the need to jump
out of bed and try to solve all of it in one night. I realize now that I have
time.
For once I am sure of this life I am living. And I don’t
feel the need to say it. I feel it.
I feel it so strongly.
I’m the type of person who constantly doubts everything.
Well to be more truthful I was that person. Lately, I just don’t feel that way
anymore. I can’t describe how amazing that feels. Rather than living in fear of
things constantly falling apart I realize there is always a solution. Living frozen in fear of the future only
allows my fear and doubt to spread. But understanding that has opened up this
completely new world. Rushing through life is pointless. Enjoying it is simple
if you allow yourself.
"Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity Kitai. Do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice. We are all telling ourselves a story and that day mine changed."
Living in the now and in each moment has made life
completely different. Enjoying things rather than looking for all the negative.
Truly realizing how blessed I am. Taking in just how much I have around me. And
how lucky I am to be where I am exactly at this moment. To put it more simply:
Putting in effort where it is really needed and receiving it back two fold.
Living a simplified life has brought me the most beautiful
reward. Happiness. The kind you
can’t use enough words to describe but feel like you could hold in your hand
it’s so prominent. Being so happy to be exactly who you are rather than trying
so hard to be everything you’re not.
I am a mom. I am a wife. I am a woman. I am honest. I am
positive. I am sure. I am happy.
I never slowed down to realize just how much effort I was
putting into making myself miserable. And how little effort it took to be happy
and for others around me to be happy as well. I realize now just how damn
awesome it is to be a mom. That with just a little effort the payoff is
infinite. The same can be said for being a wife; or more importantly a
supportive, helping, and caring wife. Rather than constantly looking at what I
want, I’m lacking, needing…etc. I realized it’s a team effort. It’s no longer I. It’s we. Weirdly enough you would have thought that would be something I
would have realized after almost 5 years. But being selfish was always
something I was much better at and “easier”. If only I had known how much
easier this was!
It’s been awhile since I could say I am happy inside and
out. Sure there are a few things that could be better. But its shit that
everyone worries about. Rather than worrying I find that looking for our
solution solves the problem much easier. So I lay here in bed thinking DAMN I’M
LUCKY! I can only hope that all of you feel the same for yourselves. If not I
truly hope you do soon. It’s one amazing feeling. One I wouldn't trade for
anything!
I love this life I’m
living.
