Attraversiamo

I'll apologize now for any harsh language. If you know me you know that i don't always have the cleanest of language. If it offends you I'm sorry. You can choose not to read just as easily as reading. I express myself how i see fit. That's something i will never change.

There comes a time in each of our lives where you are utterly speechless. You have created so much chaos, pain, and confusion that you don't know what to say. You step back and take a long hard look at exactly all that you've done. All the actions, people, and words involved. All of which are now boxed up and placed in the back of your head. Where you will keep them for years to come. Only to open them up to null over for a few weeks then put the lid back on and place back up on the shelf. It's a strange concept really...this imaginary storage container inside your head filled with boxes of memories. All at different times, places, and with different people in your life. I mean have you ever actually considered just setting it on fire? Burning all that bullshit you hang onto completely to the ground. I know i sure as hell have. But if there is anything that I've learned recently it's that even contemplating it proves i live in the past. And that the only way to survive and function properly is to live in the now. Live in this moment because it's all you have right now and ever will have. Don't look back because everything you did has already been done and cannot be taken back. Don't look forward because you can't control what will happen then either. Just hold your head up high and look today right in the face. All you have control over is now. What you do now effects what will be. Wouldn't you so much rather just enjoy every moment for what it is? Rather than worry what will be or about what has been? But saying this and doing this are much easier said than done. But when you're where i am right now... it's all you have. It's something you cling to like a life raft in the middle of an ocean. Take responsibility for the actions you have carried out. But do no relive them or torture yourself for the rest of your life. Take action to mend the hurt created by those actions. Put actions into your words otherwise that is all they will ever be. Avoiding the subject isn't going to make it go away or fix what you've done in my case. All of it will still be there when you wake up in the morning every day for the rest of your life. You have to admit it, work on it, and move on. 

For the past month changing almost every little negative habit or thing about me has been my goal. And will continue to be my goal. Change isn't something that is acquired overnight. And rather than focusing on the negatives in order to change them i focus on all the positives. I think so often in life you get set in your ways. You don't realize that you've created your own little world. You live your life like this every day and make it to the end of the day so why would anything ever be wrong? But that is exactly the problem....you are just making it. You wake up and focus on just surviving. When really you should live. Just be in the moment and live it for all that it is. And remember that being wrong isn't always so bad. Admitting that you are wrong and that you need to change certain things is far better than just accepting it. Don't ever just accept that this is how it's always going to be. Wake the fuck up. Remember that just because you've lived in this fantasy land you created for so long it isn't your reality. That all these moments, people, and places are real. You can't keep doing the same thing over and over and expect a different result. You have to actually make an effort and hold true to what you say you're going to do and what you want. You also can't expect anyone else to do it for you. Nor should you want them to for that matter. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is......honestly i don't know what the fuck I'm trying to say. When you have so many emotions pulsing through you and you just verbally vomit them into a post you hope to god it makes sense. Hopefully you all get my drift and understand exactly what it is I'm trying to express. So here it is....my life as of lately. Whatever i felt in the moment needed to be expressed. I hope that you can read and not take anything personally. And understand that it was extremely hard to share.

For a good portion of my life i lived in deception, manipulation, and taking advantage of people. And all this time i never took a moment to really see all the lives i was effecting. Because i only ever cared for myself(in all the wrong ways i might add). But in all seriousness i just cared about what i could do in a situation that played in my favor. I never took a step back to truly see the damage and mass chaos i was wreaking. But why should i right? If i had then i wouldn't have been able to continue on in my ways. I would have had to have been accountable for my actions. I would have had to take responsibility for all the people i was hurting. And why would i ever want to? When you live that way, selfish isn't just a word anymore. It's a way of life. And you just push forward not even thinking of the consequences. It's one of the most dark, depressing, and lonely life choices. I would love to say i didn't choose to live that way. I would love to blame certain things from my past. But regardless of what has happened i know that i am accountable. I made the decisions and not one person held a gun to my head. Sure there are certain things in life that clouded my judgement or influenced my decisions but never once did those past occasions tell me to do it. I did. I did it all. Willingly and without one thought as to the aftermath that would unravel. I sit here now and i look back at it all. I think why? And i can find all the deep seeded reasons that influenced it. But what i can't come to grips with is why I ever felt comfortable with making so many wrong decisions, hurting so many people, or just not having a care. Did i really think that everyone would just understand? That "poor me my life was so messed up" would be a viable excuse? I guess fucking so. Because boy did i live and boy did i hurt. I was a wrecking ball in so many lives and never once considered the outcome of it all. I just cared about the outcome of mine in that moment and what i could do to make mine better. What a sad way to live and even sadder that it took all this to truly open my eyes to it...But here i am still standing. I'm here realizing all this and it's truly overwhelming. At first it was hard and sometimes it still is. But what i realized is that feeling bad for myself is only giving me further comfort for things i deserve no comfort for. The only people who deserve comfort are the ones who's lives' i managed to unravel in days, weeks, months, and yes sometimes even in minutes.

After all of this i realized that the only way to move on is to change. Repairing the hurt and destruction I've created can only be achieved with proving that I'm not that person. Proving that I'm not my actions. That i can be different. That the person inside of me that i was before i wrapped myself up in all of this... is still inside me. That this person is inside me and rather than hiding her deep down in there I'm going to bring her out. And to prove this not only to others but more importantly to myself. The only way to truly prove that is to light the wick inside me that I've kept burnt out for so long. And I'm here to say...honestly...truly...and wholeheartedly that I am on fire. And i am never going to burn out. 

I am capable of change. I am capable of being accountable. I am capable of moving on. Never before have i given it a second thought or really made an effort to do this. It was always easier to remain the same and keep on trudging along in my fucked up "reality". As hard as it has been, i know without a doubt that regardless of it all, this ruin I've created is a gift. It is my life path and one i chose and followed willingly. And now i choose to continue but on to different things. I choose this life i am living. I choose to change and be true to who i really am inside. I'm grateful really because I've shown myself that i can stand up tall and strong. Yes, there are moments where my knees feel weak and i falter but i will never fall down. Which is one thing that i honestly have never believed myself. I've never felt as confident and positive as i do now. Especially despite feeling confused and like I'm trying to navigate things seeing through opaque glass. Fear is only the result of your lack of faith. I am strong. I am smart. I am loved. I have faith. I believe. 

"It's one of the quietest and loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up and around it for Centuries. It feels like a precious wound. Like a heartbreak you won't let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. To settle for living in misery because we're afraid of change or things crumbling to ruins. Then i looked around in this place, at the chaos it's endured. The way it's been adapted, burned, pillaged, and found a way to build itself back up again and i was reassured. Maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic it's just the world that is and the only real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation. Even in this eternal city, Augustine has shown me that we must always be prepared for endless waves of transformation."

 - Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love.

So i push on now into the unknown. I cross over into today. Into my now and keeping my fire lit.

I will love myself endlessly. I will appreciate all that i have to offer and use it to positive ends. 

I will participate relentlessly.

I can and i will. Doubt Not. Fear Not.

First Fight.

Tonight i find myself laying here in bed a ball of mixed emotions. I did Yoga for an hour and half tonight just to calm my nerves. Bry has his first fight tomorrow night and i'm being brave and actually going. I won't lie i'm not sure if i'm going to be able to watch. But i wouldn't miss it for the world. I am so proud of him and all that he has worked so hard for. And i am happy he has had an amazing mentor Gregg McFarland and all the other amazing fighters/teachers that train with him. It's actually a Muay Thai fight which normally he'd be doing an MMA fight. But he was offered this spur of the moment and decided to take it. Turns out that it's a 135 Amateur Title Fight. And it's also the main event of the night. Pretty flattering that he was offered it for his first fight. I'm so proud of him.

More than anything i am happy to see that he has found something he is passionate about. Especially something that is healthy! But i still find myself laying here trying to figure out how the hell i am going to remain calm. As far as instincts go my immediate instinct is to attack haha! He is so much a part of me that it's almost as if i am also in the ring. It's the he hurts i hurt mentality. I'm thankful he has really put in the work and time though. Especially for such a short notice fight! He has been working his ass off and coming home beaten up and sore. I've definitely been giving quite a few massages and waking up out of dead sleep to him groaning as he rolls over. It is so hard to see him that way. I am doing my best to support him though. I know he really wants this and it's a good outlet for him. He isn't really one to express his feelings and it takes a lot if he does. So training really helps him to get his mind of all the chaos and to release all the nonsense. I'm so proud of him for choosing something healthy to release it all. I wish he was more sure of himself. I think he really doubts that he has skill and has come so far. 

I'm ready to see him kick some ass and let it all out. And i'm ready for him to really see himself like we all do. Bry has the biggest heart of anyone i know. So caring and helpful to everyone in his life. I'm ready for it all to be returned in full to him. SO anxious but i will make it through. I love you Bryzer. 

-kenz.

Mizpah.

There are certain times in one's life where you are completely clueless as to how to proceed. Times where the pain from loss hurts so deeply that your chest hurts. Loss is one of the many things that i will never understand. Whether it is death or just the loss of a friend parting ways. In dealing with death, i am truly grateful for my beliefs that there is a life after death. That when i pass over into the next life i will be welcomed with open arms by all those i have cried so many tears over. I think if i didn't believe this with all my being it would be so much more painful. I look around me lately and i see so many people in pain. I see so many people passing away in my life and in others. I see the mourning for lives lost long ago. I see all these things and my heart feels so empathetic. I remember how the pain of fresh loss feels and i remember and still know the feeling of trying to sort out the pieces of loss after many years. It's a very emotionally traumatizing thing. For the longest time and even sometimes still i feel that pain tremendously. It breaks my heart to know that others feel that pain too. For me it was always so confusing as to why we had to lose people. What was the point? Why? I remember being so angry with God. And thinking that for someone who loves me so deeply they sure know how to hurt me in the worst ways. Over and over again. So why keep doing it?

But all these years later i have found peace. I know that there is a purpose for everything. No matter how painful it may be. And as much as i miss those i have lost i know that they are always here. I feel them all around me. All i have to do is close my eyes and i see their faces...i hear their voices...i feel their presence. More than anything i know that they would all want me to be happy. Yes, i have every right to be sad and feel the pain of it. But after so long you have to pick up the pieces and remember that playing the same record in your head only brings you misery. And it's a misery that if you aren't careful will eat you alive. It's a misery that once you have let it devour you....getting yourself back is one of the most difficult things you will ever do. I know this all too well. For almost 8 years i let the pain of losing my grandparents define me. I let all the events and actions that followed be the sprout that came from this dark seed. I created a dark hole where my heart used to be and left all caring and feelings for others behind. Luckily there was still a small part of me that cared. A small part that eventually sprouted out of it's own seed as well.

So, why do we have to lose the ones we love? To be honest i still couldn't answer this question if i was asked. I have tried to figure it out and want to find every reason possible. Maybe some part of me believes that they were needed elsewhere for more important things. They were too perfect for this world. They deserved to finally be at peace. I think we all find our own reasons. For me that is the only way i can feel good about it. I know that regardless of the way we lose people or when.. loss hurts and will always hurt. It's a terribly confusing and painful thing. I almost feel it's one of the things that is meant to test our  personal strength. And i believe that even if you falter at first like i did... as long as you get back up and forgive yourself at the end it's okay. As long as you keep walking down the road towards happiness and relief.

I do know this i can't torture myself forever. For the longest time i thought that freeing myself of the burden that was pain from loss would be disrespectful. I felt it would almost be like i was forgetting those i had lost. Recently, i am realizing more and more that letting go of the pain and focusing on all the memories is what i should be doing. Memories are so powerful and mean the most. Of all people i know this too well. Having all my memories ripped from me in an instant without warning reminded me just how precious they are. Reliving them all especially the painful ones reminded me just how much i needed to focus on them. But more importantly focus on all the good memories. Not that the painful or bad memories aren't important but they serve no purpose in my life other than bringing me misery. And i will not succumb to misery anymore.

Memories for me are so meaningful. Once again for all these people i have lost i still have all the memories of them. I will never lose them. ... *knock on wood* ... Memories of events, faces, smells, feelings, and voices. No matter what is taken from me... these are all mine to keep. No one can take that from you. I will say this...at first even the good memories were hard for me to acknowledge. For me it was a reminder that there wouldn't be anymore good memories made. And for me especially there were so many life events that i felt i was robbed of. Not having them at my graduation, my wedding, to see Luna born, and so many other things. I won't lie it still hurts me. But like i said i know they were there spiritually. I wish more than anything physically....but everything has it's purpose. Everything happens to teach us an important lesson. Sometimes those lessons are apparent immediately...sometimes you don't see them for years. 

I could go on and on about loss. It's something i am all to familiar with. Whether it's death or parting ways with someone. I just see so much of it lately and it breaks my heart. I wish i had all the answers for people. I wish i could make the pain go away. But i know all to well that it's a journey that you have to travel yourself. But i also know that there is hope and there is happiness. There will be peace eventually for those of you still suffering. I have finally found peace after all these years. I am able to laugh and smile at memories rather than cry and be in pain. I am able to talk about those i have lost and not feel a tremendous amount of pain. So i say to those of you who feel like this is a road that has no end....just you wait. Don't ever stop believing that relief will come. Remember you have the power within yourself to keep going. 

You are strong enough to endure this life that was made for you.

-kenz