Lately.

The past couple days have been such a change from what i am used to. It has been so nice i will admit. But that doesn't mean it hasn't been hard. I still feel so much guilt. Then not to mention the relationship with one of the most important people in anyone's life crumbling. I don't feel like i'm being unnecessary or mean when i reinforce my boundaries though. If someone is effecting your life to the point where your health is being effected then it's time to say goodbye for awhile. I just don't understand why someone would want to do that to another person? Especially if it has nothing to do with them. I'm so confused.

I wish things were different for me. I am so overwhelmed. I got my MRI results back Monday. I have Degenerative Disc Disease in my L5 S1 of my back. I did go to the doctor but i feel like i was just as confused if not worse than before i went in. He decided to send my results to a neurosurgeon and we'll see what the next step is. I have three main options i think. I either get an epidural injection, surgery, or physical therapy. I hope that i'll be able to do the physical therapy. I've been told that the injection doesn't do much but put a band aid on it and when you rip it off it's worse. On my previous MRI i received in the emergency room about two years ago that is what they wanted to do. But i never received it. At this point i am so sick of dealing with it. I'm 21 years old. I have Fibromyalgia, Pseudo Seizures, Degenerative Disc Disease, Depression, and Anxiety. What else can we add to that lovely cocktail? I wake up every morning in so much pain. I take up to a minimum of 3 and maximum of 7 pills a day for just my back alone. I did get lucky in that there is an all in one pill for my Fibro, seizures, and chronic nerve pain. But I'm terrified of what it will be like when i'm older.

The part i'm most afraid of is how hard it will be to just live life. How can i be a mother when i feel like i do? I try so hard but some days i just want to give up. I want to wave my white flag. Sometimes i feel like Luna and Bry deserve better. Luna deserves a mom who can go out and do everything she wants with her. Not a mom who is held back by things. It's a hard thing to deal with. I get really down....