Tell me now where was my fault?

Sometimes i feel so hopeless. My life feels so crazy and out of control. The only relief i ever find is the temporary kind. I always get my hopes up way too high just to have them crushed. It's like this on going battle i have with myself. But it's a battle i feel like i will never win. I can never get my head above water. Or like i said if i do it's only for a brief moment. Then once that moment passes i have my head shoved underneath water and i can't get afloat. I have a bad habit of self destructing whenever things are going good for me. But recently with the amazing progress I've been making with my physical and mental health i don't have that subconscious desire anymore. I felt like i could breathe again. I had won the battle against myself and my body. But like i said it's always temporary. My back feels like it's getting worse and my vacation from my seizures ended. At this point i feel like i need to just look at things for what they are. I need to look at it all realistically. I had so much hope that the Lyrica would keep me seizure free unless i didn't take it. My opinion now is that is giving myself false hope. I need to just accept the fact that it may only prevent me from having them as often. I need to just be grateful for that and that i'm not having them like i used to be. I need to face the hard truth that i may never get better. If anything i'll get worse or flat line in between. As my mom always says, "you can't have your cake and eat it too". I'm coming to realize that is much more true than i ever thought. Life can't always be fair. In fact more often than not it isn't. I think the good thing that is coming from all this is the empowerment i feel. It's a very strange thing given that i feel so weak and broken from it all. But i feel this empowerment and independence that is overwhelming. I think maybe because i feel like the things i'm going through don't matter to certain people anymore. Almost as if the worse it gets the more i feel alone in it all. Like this isn't what they signed up for. I'm at the point where I've decided that's just fine. If you don't want to stand beside me then fine. I can hold my own hand and I don't need you. I'm a big girl. It's really true when they say always rely on yourself because in the end you are all you'll have. As pessimistic as i sound believe it or not there really is some happiness in all of this. It's just something i share more with myself rather than anyone else.

At this point in time i am feeling like a lone wolf. Hopefully soon i will be able to add someone to my one lady wolf pack.

Ghosts That We Knew.