Today wasn't so bad. Things looked up a little. I woke up and we had run out of propane because the heater never stopped due to the crazy low temperatures. It was FREEZING! We've been sharing our room with Luna so that we could share the space heater. Well last night i put her in her room for the first time in a long time. So imagine my surprise when i wake up with the door wide open (so the heat from the wood burning stove could come in) and it's freezing cold because there is no propane or space heater. I honestly thought i might shatter into a millon pieces. Not to mention our space heater acts like it's on it's last leg. I swear "when it rains it pours" or in my case it floods. Again i'm sorry for the overly negative post. That's just how i am now days. So i'm sorry if it's a little too much.
So after all the chaos of waking up at 8:30 to a freezing room, Luna screaming, moving her and the heater into our room, and both of us coughing/sniffling like crazy; We cuddled up in our bed and tried to stay warm. We turned on the Lorax for the 10th time and eventually fell back asleep. Around 12:30ish we woke up and groaned because we both felt like crap. I thought we'd both manage to dodge the sick train everyone in our house and family had a VIP ticket to. Apparently not ha ha! It may sound bad but at least we both got it at the same time so we can cuddle in bed together. More than anything i feel so bad for Luna bean. She's never had a cough at least not this bad. It honestly scares me too. Gah the life of a mommy.
For the past few weeks despite being severly medicated because of my health problems i can't sleep. Every night it's the same thing. I sit here and watch tv, surf the internet, and overthink every aspect of my life. I feel so lost. It's weird i feel like things are going so good for us. Then there are moments i just feel like nothing makes sense. How does that even happen? And what's the point? Life can be so cruel sometimes.
I really wish things could just work out for once without falling apart. Maybe for once it wouldn't flood.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Winter.
I'm going to go ahead and apoligize in advance for the large amount of depressing and negative paragraphs in this post. I just need to get it off my chest somewhere where i know a lot of people won't actually see it. Okay....i realize how stupid that sounds. But it's not Facebook if that makes any more sense.
Do you ever get so sick of saying the same thing over and over? But yet feel like it's the only thing that will help. I can't even begin to describe how hard this winter is on me. I feel like the only thing that will help besides voicing how much pain i'm in is just curling up in a ball and crying. Possibly even dying at some point soon. There i said it. Deal with it.
This winter has been the hardest one on me. My fibromyalgia has never been this bad. I feel like my body is going to break into a million different pieces. Not to mention my back and narly headaches. I'm trying my hardest to deal with it and be a mom at the same time. Not to mention a wife AND person who isn't crazy, mean, and a total bitch. I feel so helpless. And for some reason over the past two or three months i've also been suffering from a crazy amount of depression. We haven't been able to pin point it down to any specific reason either. I mean everything in my life is going so good. I have some normal stress that anyone has. Nothing seems to be crazy out of control. I really don't get it. I swear karma from some god awful thing i did but don't remember is taking over.
I've been trying everything i can to climb out of this dark hole. But it seems like nothing works. If only i knew what i did.... so i could take responsibility for digging myself this insanely deep hole and forgetting a ladder. I'm so grateful i have such amazing family and friends to help me through it. My mom has spent the night and a couple days i don't know how many times so i'm not alone. And so many people are there to talk whenever i need them. I just feel like at some point it has to get really old hearing about it. "when the hell is she just going to get over it?" That's how i'd feel at this point if i was everyone else. Bleh.
It's even harder trying to be patient and active with Luna. My poor little girl. This is one of the many reasons i didn't want to have kids. I feel like she shouldn't have to be held back and unable to do so many things because of me. I know it sounds crazy i just can't help the way i feel. I try so hard to be such a good mom and no doubt i am still a good mom. But sometimes i feel like i fail in so many areas at the same time. It's such an inner battle that is constantly nagging at me. Am i doing this right? Did i do the right thing? Am i being to rough? Too soft? Sometimes being a mom is so hard.
So...at this point i feel like a mess. Not sure what to do. I wish sometimes things were just remotely easy. I'm hoping for a miracle. I've been waiting for it to mellow out but no such luck. Cross your fingers. I will too.
Do you ever get so sick of saying the same thing over and over? But yet feel like it's the only thing that will help. I can't even begin to describe how hard this winter is on me. I feel like the only thing that will help besides voicing how much pain i'm in is just curling up in a ball and crying. Possibly even dying at some point soon. There i said it. Deal with it.
This winter has been the hardest one on me. My fibromyalgia has never been this bad. I feel like my body is going to break into a million different pieces. Not to mention my back and narly headaches. I'm trying my hardest to deal with it and be a mom at the same time. Not to mention a wife AND person who isn't crazy, mean, and a total bitch. I feel so helpless. And for some reason over the past two or three months i've also been suffering from a crazy amount of depression. We haven't been able to pin point it down to any specific reason either. I mean everything in my life is going so good. I have some normal stress that anyone has. Nothing seems to be crazy out of control. I really don't get it. I swear karma from some god awful thing i did but don't remember is taking over.
I've been trying everything i can to climb out of this dark hole. But it seems like nothing works. If only i knew what i did.... so i could take responsibility for digging myself this insanely deep hole and forgetting a ladder. I'm so grateful i have such amazing family and friends to help me through it. My mom has spent the night and a couple days i don't know how many times so i'm not alone. And so many people are there to talk whenever i need them. I just feel like at some point it has to get really old hearing about it. "when the hell is she just going to get over it?" That's how i'd feel at this point if i was everyone else. Bleh.
It's even harder trying to be patient and active with Luna. My poor little girl. This is one of the many reasons i didn't want to have kids. I feel like she shouldn't have to be held back and unable to do so many things because of me. I know it sounds crazy i just can't help the way i feel. I try so hard to be such a good mom and no doubt i am still a good mom. But sometimes i feel like i fail in so many areas at the same time. It's such an inner battle that is constantly nagging at me. Am i doing this right? Did i do the right thing? Am i being to rough? Too soft? Sometimes being a mom is so hard.
So...at this point i feel like a mess. Not sure what to do. I wish sometimes things were just remotely easy. I'm hoping for a miracle. I've been waiting for it to mellow out but no such luck. Cross your fingers. I will too.
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