Winter.

I'm going to go ahead and apoligize in advance for the large amount of depressing and negative paragraphs in this post. I just need to get it off my chest somewhere where i know a lot of people won't actually see it. Okay....i realize how stupid that sounds. But it's not Facebook if that makes any more sense.

Do you ever get so sick of saying the same thing over and over? But yet feel like it's the only thing that will help. I can't even begin to describe how hard this winter is on me. I feel like the only thing that will help besides voicing how much pain i'm in is just curling up in a ball and crying. Possibly even dying at some point soon. There i said it. Deal with it.

This winter has been the hardest one on me. My fibromyalgia has never been this bad. I feel like my body is going to break into a million different pieces. Not to mention my back and narly headaches. I'm trying my hardest to deal with it and be a mom at the same time. Not to mention a wife AND person who isn't crazy, mean, and a total bitch. I feel so helpless. And for some reason over the past two or three months i've also been suffering from a crazy amount of depression. We haven't been able to pin point it down to any specific reason either. I mean everything in my life is going so good. I have some normal stress that anyone has. Nothing seems to be crazy out of control. I really don't get it. I swear karma from some god awful thing i did but don't remember is taking over.

I've been trying everything i can to climb out of this dark hole. But it seems like nothing works. If only i knew what i did.... so i could take responsibility for digging myself this insanely deep hole and forgetting a ladder. I'm so grateful i have such amazing family and friends to help me through it. My mom has spent the night and a couple days i don't know how many times so i'm not alone. And so many people are there to talk whenever i need them. I just feel like at some point it has to get really old hearing about it. "when the hell is she just going to get over it?" That's how i'd feel at this point if i was everyone else. Bleh.

It's even harder trying to be patient and active with Luna. My poor little girl. This is one of the many reasons i didn't want to have kids. I feel like she shouldn't have to be held back and unable to do so many things because of me. I know it sounds crazy i just can't help the way i feel. I try so hard to be such a good mom and no doubt i am still a good mom. But sometimes i feel like i fail in so many areas at the same time. It's such an inner battle that is constantly nagging at me. Am i doing this right? Did i do the right thing? Am i being to rough? Too soft? Sometimes being a mom is so hard.

So...at this point i feel like a mess. Not sure what to do. I wish sometimes things were just remotely easy. I'm hoping for a miracle. I've been waiting for it to mellow out but no such luck. Cross your fingers. I will too.