Mizpah.

There are certain times in one's life where you are completely clueless as to how to proceed. Times where the pain from loss hurts so deeply that your chest hurts. Loss is one of the many things that i will never understand. Whether it is death or just the loss of a friend parting ways. In dealing with death, i am truly grateful for my beliefs that there is a life after death. That when i pass over into the next life i will be welcomed with open arms by all those i have cried so many tears over. I think if i didn't believe this with all my being it would be so much more painful. I look around me lately and i see so many people in pain. I see so many people passing away in my life and in others. I see the mourning for lives lost long ago. I see all these things and my heart feels so empathetic. I remember how the pain of fresh loss feels and i remember and still know the feeling of trying to sort out the pieces of loss after many years. It's a very emotionally traumatizing thing. For the longest time and even sometimes still i feel that pain tremendously. It breaks my heart to know that others feel that pain too. For me it was always so confusing as to why we had to lose people. What was the point? Why? I remember being so angry with God. And thinking that for someone who loves me so deeply they sure know how to hurt me in the worst ways. Over and over again. So why keep doing it?

But all these years later i have found peace. I know that there is a purpose for everything. No matter how painful it may be. And as much as i miss those i have lost i know that they are always here. I feel them all around me. All i have to do is close my eyes and i see their faces...i hear their voices...i feel their presence. More than anything i know that they would all want me to be happy. Yes, i have every right to be sad and feel the pain of it. But after so long you have to pick up the pieces and remember that playing the same record in your head only brings you misery. And it's a misery that if you aren't careful will eat you alive. It's a misery that once you have let it devour you....getting yourself back is one of the most difficult things you will ever do. I know this all too well. For almost 8 years i let the pain of losing my grandparents define me. I let all the events and actions that followed be the sprout that came from this dark seed. I created a dark hole where my heart used to be and left all caring and feelings for others behind. Luckily there was still a small part of me that cared. A small part that eventually sprouted out of it's own seed as well.

So, why do we have to lose the ones we love? To be honest i still couldn't answer this question if i was asked. I have tried to figure it out and want to find every reason possible. Maybe some part of me believes that they were needed elsewhere for more important things. They were too perfect for this world. They deserved to finally be at peace. I think we all find our own reasons. For me that is the only way i can feel good about it. I know that regardless of the way we lose people or when.. loss hurts and will always hurt. It's a terribly confusing and painful thing. I almost feel it's one of the things that is meant to test our  personal strength. And i believe that even if you falter at first like i did... as long as you get back up and forgive yourself at the end it's okay. As long as you keep walking down the road towards happiness and relief.

I do know this i can't torture myself forever. For the longest time i thought that freeing myself of the burden that was pain from loss would be disrespectful. I felt it would almost be like i was forgetting those i had lost. Recently, i am realizing more and more that letting go of the pain and focusing on all the memories is what i should be doing. Memories are so powerful and mean the most. Of all people i know this too well. Having all my memories ripped from me in an instant without warning reminded me just how precious they are. Reliving them all especially the painful ones reminded me just how much i needed to focus on them. But more importantly focus on all the good memories. Not that the painful or bad memories aren't important but they serve no purpose in my life other than bringing me misery. And i will not succumb to misery anymore.

Memories for me are so meaningful. Once again for all these people i have lost i still have all the memories of them. I will never lose them. ... *knock on wood* ... Memories of events, faces, smells, feelings, and voices. No matter what is taken from me... these are all mine to keep. No one can take that from you. I will say this...at first even the good memories were hard for me to acknowledge. For me it was a reminder that there wouldn't be anymore good memories made. And for me especially there were so many life events that i felt i was robbed of. Not having them at my graduation, my wedding, to see Luna born, and so many other things. I won't lie it still hurts me. But like i said i know they were there spiritually. I wish more than anything physically....but everything has it's purpose. Everything happens to teach us an important lesson. Sometimes those lessons are apparent immediately...sometimes you don't see them for years. 

I could go on and on about loss. It's something i am all to familiar with. Whether it's death or parting ways with someone. I just see so much of it lately and it breaks my heart. I wish i had all the answers for people. I wish i could make the pain go away. But i know all to well that it's a journey that you have to travel yourself. But i also know that there is hope and there is happiness. There will be peace eventually for those of you still suffering. I have finally found peace after all these years. I am able to laugh and smile at memories rather than cry and be in pain. I am able to talk about those i have lost and not feel a tremendous amount of pain. So i say to those of you who feel like this is a road that has no end....just you wait. Don't ever stop believing that relief will come. Remember you have the power within yourself to keep going. 

You are strong enough to endure this life that was made for you.

-kenz