Metanoia.

 

If you know me well you know that our lives as of late haven't been the easiest. After the car accident life sort of fell apart. Between totalling the car, Bry not having a job, me in physical therapy, and the all around madness...it's been overwhelming. I have struggled and struggled trying to remain positive. And then.....

  

I realized that if all i was doing to solve my problems or worries was sitting around complaining about them then not much was going to change. And instead of diving head first like i usually do into something that later i will abandon and revert back to old ways i dipped my toes. I decided that testing the waters and taking baby steps would be a much more effective way for me to start changing my(our) lives. It started one night when i was doing the normal routine of being miserable. But this night was a little different. I started thinking back on all the memories and my past. I went over all the things i did to lessen the pain, anxiety, and the all over negativity i let consume me. For those of you that don't know I have suffered from depression along with many other things most of my life. Unfortunately, at the age of 14 i tried to take my life and luckily i was unsuccessful like the many other times i had tried before. I don't mention this for pity. I mention this because afterwards i was put into treatment. And one of the things i remember most is Yoga. Ya ya ya i know that is all i talk about lately. But it really has transformed me in the most amazing way. SO back to the beginning. When i was in treatment each morning they had us do at least some light Yoga. At first i was very stand offish and felt like an idiot. But the second day...i saw the effects. I saw how it changed my mood, my attitude, and my views on everything around me. Yoga saved my life. But of course being a younger girl i didn't take it seriously. I didn't keep to my routine once i was released and i started drinking and smoking again. Which went on for quite awhile. But that brings us back to a few months ago.....here i am sitting on the couch going over things i did. I sat there trying to remember and it brought a smile to my face remembering the feelings i had. So i got down on the floor and i started to stretch from memory. It was like something took me over and instinct took over as well. At the time i had just lost my Aunt Jenn to Cancer. So all the normal feelings and frustrations going on were amplified by grief of loosing her. But the next night i repeated this and kept on doing it. Once again i noticed the change instantly. My ability to shut out the negativity and draw in the positivity with ease was alarming. My desire to change became stronger than my fear of change or how hard it would be. I discovered that with 30-45 minutes every night of the week this drastically changed me. It's amazing how just little things can take such a deep hold and change you.

 

So with that i've kept at it. After this change it brought on many other positive changes. It scares me how much one's attitude can effect everything around them. It's even scarier how much you wrap yourself up in it all and don't realize you're doing it. With this change i am more relaxed, happy, and healthy. It has changed me to where my relationships with other people have reverted to how they were before i became this bitter, sad, negative person. It's like reconnecting with people you feel like you haven't seen in years. More than anything it was like looking in the mirror and realizing i am more me than i ever have been. I look in the mirror and i love..not just like..i love myself. I just let go....of the anger, negativity, and pain(physical & emotional) i let go of it all. I started waking up every morning happy and alive. I started seeing the world for what it truly is....beautiful. And most importantly i realized that all these hardships are only temporary. In my husbands words, "We always make it through. As long as we have each other there isn't anything we can't do." And to add to that, as long as i remain strong and believe in myself there isn't anything i can't do. I have a strength and determination in me that i haven't felt in years. So rather than being overwhelmed with sadness, grief, and negativity; i am overwhemled with self empowerment, happiness, and positivity. 

 

Dipping my toes in the water that night and taking that first baby step towards life was the best thing i ever did. I started with Yoga and ended up with life altering changes. I sit here tonight and i look back wondering what took me so long. And it hits me immediately...Fear. One of the things that was said at my aunt's funeral that still stands out to me was " Doubt Not. Fear Not." I have taken that and made it my motto. For too long i have doubted myself and feared change. I have feared that i am capable of amazing things. Most of all i have feared rejection and failure. And if i am completely honest with myself rejection and failure are part of life. But i must remember that regardless i am capable of so much more. If the people who reject me do not want to be a part of my life then there is a reason and i am better off. No matter how painful it is. And failure is bound to happen but getting back up swinging is also an option. I will fight off oppression until my very last breath. I will not let anyone or myself for that matter get me down. I can not let adversity win. For too long i have succumbed and become a victim. I am a fighter and today i am proud to say....I AM A SURVIVOR. 

 

Along with all these mental and emotional changes i have noticed and made a few others myself. I have Fibromyalgia and Degenerative Disc Disease. Two of a quite a few health problems which in the past i have allowed to control my life. With these new changes and especially my Yoga i wake up feeling pain free(for the most part) and feeling rejuvinated. I wake up happy. Natural healing is one of the many wonders i will never understand. But i am so enternally grateful for it. Before the accident and all these changes, i also decided that after many years of torturing myself with addiction i would free myself of one. On April 21, 2013 after drinking entirely too much on the 19th and not being able to even function at my daughter's birthday party the next day; i made the decision to quit drinking. One of the many habits i allowed to control me. Addiction for me has always been such a burden. I am so quick to jump in head first without a fear of the inevitable drowning that will occur. I am proud to say that as of today i am a little over 6 months sober. To be honest i never thought i would make it here. Here's that doubt coming in again. But after the help of many people and the strength i found within myself to say no i am alcohol free at last. One person in particular Mr. Stephen Darveau. I remember the first little while and many a nights that you were up visiting you would sit outside and talk with me. I don't think you will ever understand how grateful for that i am. I remember you saying, "I can't wait to see what you're like when you let go without alcohol." That right there was a dead ringer and has stuck with me ever since. Alcohol was always a way for me to cope mentally, emotionally, physically, and socially. I never allowed myself to just be me. I felt i needed something to blame incase the real me was "too much" for people. When really it was only "too much" for me. But what i've found out these past 6 months is that the real me is beautiful and i have so much to offer. All these years i have been masking my true self when that is all i needed from the start. I just needed to be me. 

To be clear my whole life and the missteps along the way as painful as they all were i do not regret them. I can finally say with full confidence that i have forgiven myself for all the things i have done to myself and others. If you know me well you know the guilt from it all was my biggest burden and enemy. I couldn't ever surrender i just kept silently torturing myself because i felt it's what i deserved. I have learned that my mistakes in life past and recent were all meant for me. I just never allowed myself to fully accept that and move on. What a freeing experience that i wish i hadn't avoided for so long. Oh the things we do beliving we're protecting ourselves. It's quite hilarious actually when i sit here and look at it all after the fact. 

 

So here i am...a few baby steps closer to where i want to be. I am happy with where i am right now. Despite current struggles even. I know i have a few more steps that i want to accomplish but i will get there. There is no rush for me. I keep reminding myself i'm dipping my toes and not jumping in head first. I admit there are days i let emotion get the best of me unfortunately. But instead of letting it take me over my new found power immediately reacts with a postive thought. It's truly beautiful. If i wake up feeling bad i immediately think what can i do today to improve the way i am feeling? If it's physical i do my Yoga. If it's emotional or mental i look for postive or inspirational quotes. I remember that not everything is in my control but what is i should get up and work on. Because what is in my control is ultimately my choice and my decision on how i let it effect me. And most importantly i remember that i have the world's best support system standing by my side. As strong and self empowered as i feel, what i would do without all these amazing people is beyond me. I am so grateful everyday that i am blessed to be able to call them mine. That reminds me of one more very important thing...Gratitude. You can never be too grateful. Whether it's gratitude you remind yourself of daily, showing gratitude for what others do for you, or just being grateful in general. That right there is also life changing.

  

So for now i leave you with this...remember that life is a beautiful gift. Wake up every morning and be grateful for all that you have. Be grateful that you woke up. That you were blessed with another day to change the things you want to and to appreciate the changes you have made. Don't take for granted what others would so desperately give to have. Take pride in all that you do and who you are. You are a beautiful, amazing, and inspiring individual. And if it doesn't feel that way right now remember you are the one with the power to change that. But remember it is inside of you. Love yourself. Unconditionally. The benefits you will reap will be overwhelming. Surround yourself with people who believe and do the same. 

Life is too short to be miserable.

  

 

And now i am off to do my nightly Yoga. 

-kenz