There's more?

As if having surgery wasn't enough to have done now i have to have more. Tomorrow i have to go to my doctor and get a Colposcopy done. Apparently, i had some abnormal cells on my pap smear. So they told me i have to go in and have a piece of my uterus removed to do a biopsy. At this point i am seriously just sitting here going...what the hell is next? I seriously don't know what the hell else i can take. It's getting a little ridiculous at this point. I feel like such crap too. The past four days I've been so nauseous + the gross part. I guess we'll just see what happens. I may have to move my surgery because we're doing this tomorrow. Hopefully we just go ahead and get it over with Tuesday. I'm not really in the mood to wait much longer. I want to get it done and over with so we can solve what's going on. I guess we'll see.........

Laparoscopy

Tuesday June 5th @ 9:30am i'm having my surgery. We think i may have Endometriosis, inflammation of my bladder, or it's just the cyst i have. I'm so nervous! Hopefully my insurance will cover it or the financial assistance will take care of a large portion of it. Otherwise i have no idea what i will do. It's like my appointment for my back. I can't afford to have any of it but i really need it taken care of. I don't understand why a lot of people get good insurance and i'm stuck with insurance that barely covers anything. I am very fortunate to have it but sometimes it isn't as helpful as you'd think. So my surgery is 1hr to 1hr 30 mins long and it's same day surgery. My doctor said he'd be going in through my belly button and looking around. If he finds anything he'll remove it and if my cyst is still there he'll drain it. I'm hoping it will all be okay. But at the same time i'm kind of hoping he does find something. I'm sick of always not having answers. When i got my MRI results back i was so bummed but relieved at the same time. I finally had answers and didn't feel or look so crazy. My back is always hurting me and now i finally have a legitimate answer. So i'm hoping it will be the same way with this. Or at least if we don't find anything we'll figure it out sooner rather than later. I really love my doctor so i know he will do everything possible. I am so fortunate and lucky to have found him! He really is such a nice guy. Definitely the best doctor I've ever met and been in the care of. He always treats you with such a kind, caring, and comforting attitude. I know that might sound weird to rave on and on about a doctor but he really is amazing! Anyways...so it shouldn't be too big of a deal but i guess we'll see. I am still so nervous either way. Everyone works and is busy so i'm not sure how i'm going to take care of Luna and "recover" at the same time. Hopefully it isn't too painful. I've had one before but it was when i was 9 so i'm not sure how the pain will be this time. I guess we will see! I'll keep ya updated.....

Eventful weekend.

Bry has Saturday, Sunday, and Monday off! That's a first. Super happy we'll be able go do something together! He doesnt get much time off anymore it sucks!

Lanci and her family are also coming up this weekend for their son Lykan's 3rd birthday. I honestly cant believe he's that old already. Time flys by way too fast. That also means in 8 days it will be our 3 year anniversary. That blows me away! It sure doesnt feel like its been that long either.

Also, on Sunday Lanci & I are going to the Of Monsters & Men concert.
I am soooo excited! I normally never go to concerts but we just started listening to them and i love them! Then a few weeks back, i heard on X96 they were coming to The Venue in Salt Lake City. So i went & grabbed a couple tickets. I cant wait to go! I hope its a lot of fun.

Phil

I forgot to post about my father in law Phil. On the 15th he had a big back surgery. Surprisingly enough they let him come home today. I was so damn nervous! It definitely wasn't something that was quick and easy. He had a 50/50 chance of paralysis. I can't imagine being him. I would be scared shitless. It took them 7 hours to complete it. The doctor also said when a surgery takes that long there is a risk of blindness. Luckily, he hasnt had problems with either if those so far. He seems to be doing very good considering what he went through. The doctor said when he went in thay his hardware was so old and it took him an extra two hours to remove it. Also, there were tendons wrapped around his spine that were cutting off circulation. Talk about freaking crazy! I can't imagine being Phil or even the doctor for that matter. I am so hopeful and positive for his recovery. I am really hoping he can get his life back. Before he went in, he was telling me all the things he wanted to be able to do again. I really hope he will be able to do all that and more! It's funny how close we've gotten just in the past couple months of being here. I've also grown really close with my mother in law again. I can honestly say that I love them so much and don't know what I'd do without them! I missed them so damn much while they were gone! I know Luna did too. She'd sit at the bottom of the stairs and yell for them. It was so cute but a little heart breaking! It's so nice to have them home again. 

A Garden For Me!

I have this insane desire to start a garden. I would love to grow my own fruits and veggies. And i would love to plant a bunch of flowers. I'm just really worried that the deer will eat them or the dogs will trample them. Our neighbors have two gardens and what they did was put posts in the ground and wrapped chicken wire around them. Seems like it might work? I don't know. I think it would be a good hobby for me, stress  reliever, and save money. Anyone have any thoughts or advice? They would be much appreciated!

Hurt.

I'm really in a pinch here. It is so hard for me to forgive and forget when I've done it so many times. I feel like the last time i was quite clear what my boundaries were. Not sure why anyone would think that they have changed? It isn't that hard of a concept to grasp. I think more than anything i am so hurt. Of all the people to do this to me why you? Of all the people i thought i could maybe trust or get advice from i thought it would be you? I mean i know how you can be; i guess i just thought it would be different. That was my mistake entirely. My question now is where do i go from here? Will i always feel so hurt? How the hell do i ever trust you again? I guess i just don't understand why. What about anything you did seems like it would have been a good idea? Especially to your own blood? My heart is honestly broken. Then for you to act like i am blaming you or hate you for what ME, MYSELF, AND I did to my own life. Let me be very clear,  i do not hate you or blame you for anything. Like i said before i am hurt more than anything. What i do in my life and the decisions i make have nothing to do with you. I am 21 years old and i don't need your permission nor your discipline. It was not your responsibility to do what you did to me. I can understand if you felt like it was wrong, you didn't like it, and especially won't condone it. That's all you had to say to me and it should have stayed at that. I already told you my plans and what i was doing in order to make it better. You ignored all of it and took what you wanted from it. You even decided to throw in some more stuff that isn't true and you damn well know it. Never in my life have you treated me this way and that's saying something. I have never been so hurt. The best part about it is you really think you haven't done anything wrong. What the actual fuck? I do not understand one bit. At this point i am lost as to what to do. I need some space that is for sure. End of freakin' story.

There is nothing sweeter

My life has been a little hectic the past two weeks or so that's why i haven't posted. I think that I've had quite the epiphany lately. I've come to realize that i am madly in love with my husband. I know that sounds a little insane because of course i am right? That's why we got married. But sometimes i think that you take your other half for granite. I know i sure have. But this progress we've made and how close we've gotten in the past few weeks has been so nice. I really love spending time with him and seeing him. Things have changed so much for the better and i am so happy. I do wish that it wasn't in these circumstances that is for sure. But what's done is done and we can only go up from here. What i really wish i could wrap my head around is how did we get here? At what point did our relationship start spiraling out of control like this? It's a crazy thing to think about because you aren't always aware of it when it's happening. Yes, you do notice little things; But not always that it's taking you to a dark place you never want to go. I think that if you do get to that place and can climb out of the ashes with a bright new beautiful bond then it's real. There is nothing sweeter than real, hold in your hands, strong love. It's not something you want to throw away easily. Always savor what you have and never consider tossing it aside unless it's really worth it. I will say this the grass is NEVER greener on the other side. Even if your grass goes yellow and dies all you need to remember is it just needs to be watered. Beautiful and worth while things never come easy. If it wasn't hard then it wouldn't be worth it! I just want to say Stephen Bryant Fullmer that i love you without a shadow of a doubt. You are my forever, for always, and no matter what.

I carry your heart with me; I carry it in my heart
I am never without it
Anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling

I fear no fate; for you are my fate, my sweet
I want no world; for beautiful you are my world, my true
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than a soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart
I carry it in my heart

Update On MRI

I know i haven't made a post in awhile. It's hard to always have something to write about. I guess even day to day stuff would suffice. So i got a call from The U of U today. I was all ready to make an appointment and get in so i could figure things out when i got hit with a big one. Not only does my insurance not cover anything i need done but there is also no financial assistance or payment plan. I have to pay at least a $250 dollar deposit. There is no way to lower it and no way to do financial assistance. I have no idea what i am supposed to do. That is so much money to just spend in one place. I am so overwhelmed and stressed about it. Mostly because it's something i really need to get in and have taken care of.  I've been dealing with it for such a long time and it's nice to finally know what is going on. But now i'm stuck unable to go in and find out how we can finally fix it. It's so unbelievable to me that they require you to pay two hundred and FIFTY dollars all upfront. How do they even come up with these amounts anyway? I have no idea how i'm going to work this out or how i'm going to do what i need to do. I am so freaking overwhelmed and can't justify blowing $250 on something. Even if it is something like that.

Lately.

The past couple days have been such a change from what i am used to. It has been so nice i will admit. But that doesn't mean it hasn't been hard. I still feel so much guilt. Then not to mention the relationship with one of the most important people in anyone's life crumbling. I don't feel like i'm being unnecessary or mean when i reinforce my boundaries though. If someone is effecting your life to the point where your health is being effected then it's time to say goodbye for awhile. I just don't understand why someone would want to do that to another person? Especially if it has nothing to do with them. I'm so confused.

I wish things were different for me. I am so overwhelmed. I got my MRI results back Monday. I have Degenerative Disc Disease in my L5 S1 of my back. I did go to the doctor but i feel like i was just as confused if not worse than before i went in. He decided to send my results to a neurosurgeon and we'll see what the next step is. I have three main options i think. I either get an epidural injection, surgery, or physical therapy. I hope that i'll be able to do the physical therapy. I've been told that the injection doesn't do much but put a band aid on it and when you rip it off it's worse. On my previous MRI i received in the emergency room about two years ago that is what they wanted to do. But i never received it. At this point i am so sick of dealing with it. I'm 21 years old. I have Fibromyalgia, Pseudo Seizures, Degenerative Disc Disease, Depression, and Anxiety. What else can we add to that lovely cocktail? I wake up every morning in so much pain. I take up to a minimum of 3 and maximum of 7 pills a day for just my back alone. I did get lucky in that there is an all in one pill for my Fibro, seizures, and chronic nerve pain. But I'm terrified of what it will be like when i'm older.

The part i'm most afraid of is how hard it will be to just live life. How can i be a mother when i feel like i do? I try so hard but some days i just want to give up. I want to wave my white flag. Sometimes i feel like Luna and Bry deserve better. Luna deserves a mom who can go out and do everything she wants with her. Not a mom who is held back by things. It's a hard thing to deal with. I get really down....

Maybe that's all i deserve.

I wonder sometimes what the end goal of us meeting is. There is no point for you in my life except to torture me. It's all some sick joke that everyone but me is in on. Because it's not like you really care about me. Or at least you do but wont ever let me know. I wonder if you know how much you break my heart. I think about you every damn day. And how i wish things were different. How i wish you actually loved me and cared about me. There is nothing I'd want more. But all i get is the lies and deceit. But maybe that's all i deserve.........

I remember tears streaming down your face
When i said, I'll never let you go
When all those shadows almost killed your light

I remember you said, don't leave me here alone

But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight

Just close your eyes

The sun is going down

You'll be alright

No one can hurt you now

Come morning light

You and I'll be safe and sound

Don't you dare look out your window darling

Every thing's on fire

The war outside our door keeps raging on

Hold onto this lullaby

Even when the music's gone

Just close your eyes

The sun is going down

You'll be alright

No one can hurt you now

Come morning light

You and I'll be safe and sound

Just close your eyes
You'll be alright
Come morning light,
You and I'll be safe and sound.

Reality Whiplash

I think sometimes it takes a hell of a lot to bring someone back to reality. For me it always takes a lot. A slap in the face or a knife in the back doesn't always get the job done. Even though things were a mess there is always hope for change. There is always healing on the horizon. I hope especially for my daughter's sake that the road that has become forked into two will become one again. Anything that is meant to be a team effort can never be operated on separate agendas. You must rely on each other and work together in order to make things work. If it were easy it wouldn't be worth it. I tell myself this all the time but i'm not sure why i decide to give up so easily. I know that when things are good they are really good. It only takes a little effort. If you aren't even trying to put in the effort anymore then of course you won't be happy.

So the moral of this whole paragraph of nonsense that only makes sense to me is this; don't give up. Never lose sight of the things you really want in life. Don't let people decide to inject themselves into your relationship. Most of all, never seek out your own selfish desires. They are always empty, hollow, and nothing but ash. When you are done with them they leave you without anything or anyone and a gaping hole where you heart used to be. These desires are nothing but deceiving and misleading.

Luckily i was right when i said i am the luckiest girl alive. I married one of the most amazing men you can find. I am thrilled to say he loves me too. More than i deserve actually. I have decided that i made promises and I intend to keep them. When i said forever i meant it and i need to keep it. Marriage is such hard work but like i said if it were easy it wouldn't be worth it.

I just know that i need to pull my head out of the sand and get with the program. I can't keep wallowing around and feeling bad. Life is passing me by and i can never get the time back. From here on out i promise to myself, Bry, and Luna i will try my hardest. I will give it everything i have and i hope that it's enough. I guess we'll see.

To be continued.......

Tell me now where was my fault?

Sometimes i feel so hopeless. My life feels so crazy and out of control. The only relief i ever find is the temporary kind. I always get my hopes up way too high just to have them crushed. It's like this on going battle i have with myself. But it's a battle i feel like i will never win. I can never get my head above water. Or like i said if i do it's only for a brief moment. Then once that moment passes i have my head shoved underneath water and i can't get afloat. I have a bad habit of self destructing whenever things are going good for me. But recently with the amazing progress I've been making with my physical and mental health i don't have that subconscious desire anymore. I felt like i could breathe again. I had won the battle against myself and my body. But like i said it's always temporary. My back feels like it's getting worse and my vacation from my seizures ended. At this point i feel like i need to just look at things for what they are. I need to look at it all realistically. I had so much hope that the Lyrica would keep me seizure free unless i didn't take it. My opinion now is that is giving myself false hope. I need to just accept the fact that it may only prevent me from having them as often. I need to just be grateful for that and that i'm not having them like i used to be. I need to face the hard truth that i may never get better. If anything i'll get worse or flat line in between. As my mom always says, "you can't have your cake and eat it too". I'm coming to realize that is much more true than i ever thought. Life can't always be fair. In fact more often than not it isn't. I think the good thing that is coming from all this is the empowerment i feel. It's a very strange thing given that i feel so weak and broken from it all. But i feel this empowerment and independence that is overwhelming. I think maybe because i feel like the things i'm going through don't matter to certain people anymore. Almost as if the worse it gets the more i feel alone in it all. Like this isn't what they signed up for. I'm at the point where I've decided that's just fine. If you don't want to stand beside me then fine. I can hold my own hand and I don't need you. I'm a big girl. It's really true when they say always rely on yourself because in the end you are all you'll have. As pessimistic as i sound believe it or not there really is some happiness in all of this. It's just something i share more with myself rather than anyone else.

At this point in time i am feeling like a lone wolf. Hopefully soon i will be able to add someone to my one lady wolf pack.

Ghosts That We Knew.